LOSER FACE (linkinpark0o0) wrote,

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Sorry to bother you guys with this but i'm in a rutt AGAIN!

Here's the scoop...I'm sitting here having a great day with Vienna, watching movies and such....then she suggests watching this movie Lost Boys. I tell her I'm not interested in watching that movie, and to find another one...she suggests it again and again and again. and again i tell her NO...maybe tomorow. We finish our movie and I go to the bathroom...come back and what's she doing? Forcing me to watch this movie again...so I start to get mad and tell her "i told you i dont want to watch that fucking movie and what do you do? you put it on...what the fuck?" and then she throws a fit and turns off the computer and starts telling me that i talk to her like she's a piece of shit yadda yadda yadda...not realizing that she didn't respect the fact that I DIDN'T CARE TO WATCH THIS STUPID MOVIE. Now something as silly as a movie escalated into this big ordeal. She ends our "argument" with, "i think you should find another place to live cause this isn't working out, I'm tired of doing this with you. Everyday it's someting else"...

I just got finished wasting over 10 minutes of my time trying to get her to TALK to me, and realize that this isn't what she really wants. After about 15 minutes of telling her to give me a little time to change, things will improve...she still tells me that she wants me gone. I ask her again..."from the bottom of your heart, is this what you really want? you want me to leave? you want to end this now?" and she says YES. So then i get up and say that I have to start looking for somewhere to go and turn on the computer.

she then says some comment around the lines of, "judging on how fast you walked away lets me know that you dont care at all."

i try and tell her that if i didn't care i wouldn't of sat there trying to talk this whole thing over...she doesnt get it.

she still insists that i dont care...cause if i did i wouldn't of walked away so fast. Nice to know that 15 minutes is fast to her.

I dont get her...she wants to point out all the negatives in me, but refuses to admit her own. She was getting irritated because i wouldn't leave her alone and let her go to bed...because i was trying to talk to her. Then when i walk away i'm the bad guy, AGAIN?

so now i'm stuck...i told her over and over again that i didn't want to move away from the valley because of what happened between me and jenn, and she assured me that it wouldn't happen "even if we break up, i wouldn't do to you what jenn did. I'd still help you out...not just leave you high and dry" she said. So i took ANOTHER chance and left my hometown. Just to land in the same position. I hate this shit, i hate not having a steady place to lay my head at night. I'm tired of having nobody to turn to for help. And i'm tired of having so much faith in "love" and what it can do for people that i decide to give up everything and follow "her" wherever she may go. I try and make the right decision, take a chance, and this is where it gets me. Further from home and with nothing. And with nobody.

Horray for chances, huh?
Horray for people who point out everything negative in other people and push them away until they ACTUALLY walk away, and then decide it's the OTHER person who is "giving up".

and as she goes to sleep, closing yet another chapter in our disfunctional relationship without coming to some kind of conclusion, i sit here in the dark wondering where to go from here.

I really dont know what to do anymore.
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